my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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