i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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