he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
