since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
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