I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Randomize
