Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
