Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
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