I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
everyone is single if you try hard enough
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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