Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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