Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
