I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
