apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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