As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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