Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
