I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
