life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're too hungover to prance.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
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