I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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