Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
