Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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