i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
