Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
