I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
