i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
