if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
