I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
