dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
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