awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Randomize
