i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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