I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
