I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
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