im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
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