i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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