I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
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I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
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I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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