Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
