wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
