This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
