The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
