yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
