I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Randomize
