I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
