my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
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