A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Randomize
