Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Randomize
