WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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