i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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