in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
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