people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
