i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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