I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
