she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
