she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
