I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
