your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
