Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
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