The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
