I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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