you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Semen is not good for contacts.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
