Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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