Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
