There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
